Our Greatest Faith Builder of All, Parenting - Part 1 of...

This is the first post of a new series for the Signs-4-Hope blog.  I have no idea how many posts there will be in this new series, Our Greatest Faith Builder of All, Parenting.  Therefore, it will be labeled which part it is with the mark of ... after it, to designate another one will be coming, just like the ongoing So, You Want to Adopt a Deaf Child? series.  This new series will cover topics in relation to the training I have received throughout 2014 and early 2015, via TBRI (Trust-based Relational Interventions, Texas Christian University) and NCBP (National Center for Biblical Parenting) and the 30 years of training I continue receiving as a parent of two biological adult children and their spouses.  No, my husband Charles, and I do not have any adopted children, as God never called us to adopt. However, He did loan us two biological children to raise for His glory and that has been and is, by far, the greatest faith building opportunity I have experienced as a follower of Christ.  My prayer is this series will help parents of adopted and birthed children recognize that in order for us to raise up children to love and follow Christ we must be and must live that example before them, with authenticity and transparency.  Our failures and our weaknesses as parents, God can use and will use, IF we allow Him the opportunity to do so.

Anger is a God-given emotion! 

My interpreting experiences, over the past several months, have placed me in two counseling groups in our community.  One is "Anger Management" and the other "Depression and Anxiety".  I have observed, first-hand, many of the things I have been learning over the past 9 months in my TBRI (Trust-based Relational Interventions) class through Texas Christian University.  The overlap between these is really not surprising, but fascinating for me all the same.

Most of these adult folks, men and women, who for the most part, "look normal on the outside" have endured much trauma during their childhood years.  Their stories are all too familiar to the stories of the deaf children Signs for Hope loves and serves which include emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuses. These traumas are in addition to lack of nurture, neglect and abandonment. Things no child, no human being, should have to endure, but the result of the sin of mankind via Adam and Eve.  God has allowed me to see, with my own eyes, in these counseling sessions, the consequences of childhood trauma which grows into adulthood trauma, with adult consequences, when left without any interventions.  These folks are often uncontrollably violent and some have taken the lives of others when they launch into their emotional tornadoes which engulf others as they tear down their path of destruction.  Others are daily haunted from within by depression and/or anxieties.  Once again, the tell-tale marks of emotions out of control (fight, flight and/or freeze) and centered in the trauma-brain...the amygdala.  Only, now, that trauma-brain resides in the body of an adult.

So often you and I quickly notice anger in those around us that we love, but how often do we miss it when you and I react in anger ourselves?  How often is it our own anger triggers  an anger-reaction from the ones we love which escalates to a level beyond what it should? 

Anger is not a sin, it is a God-given emotion.  The Bible tells us to be angry and sin not (Ephesians 4:26).  Jesus, Himself, was angry when He saw His Father's house being used for monetary gain and not for prayer and worship, its designed purpose.  However, His response to that anger, turning over the tables of the money-changers,  was not one of sin. Needless to say, I am sure those in the temple, knew without a doubt Jesus was angry and could have done much more than He did. I believe this is one of the greatest examples of meekness in the Scriptures. Meekness is not weakness, but rather it is great power under control.  Jesus could have easily destroyed everyone in the temple courts with a simple exhale. He is omnipotent God.  Think about it.  If Jesus had destroyed them, He would have been justified, but would His justified actions be perceived as being self-controlled or would they have been perceived as being out-of-control? Which made the greater impact for eternity? They had seen His miracles with their own eyes.  I believe His anger, under control, cut to their hearts and convicted them of their wrong-doing. It did not trigger an anger-response back at Him, but instead one of complete conviction of their sin and shame for what they were doing. 

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27

Let's face it, you and I, all too easily, can instantly react in anger given the right circumstances.  We are emotional beings, as God has created us to be, however emotions left uncontrolled can become our demise and can bring with it collateral damage to those around us, those we love.  These are not responses of God's Spirit who is living within us, but rather human reactions that are uncontrolled and have been "triggered" by something.  How does this happen so quickly and unexpectedly?  Afterwards, we might think, "Where did that come from?" Or maybe, "Did I really say or do that?". 

"For the Spirit that God has given us does not make us timid; instead, His Spirit fills us with power, love, and self control." (2 Timothy 1:7 TEV)


Becoming MINDFUL of those things that trigger our own reactions to anger is of great benefit, granting us the ability to have self-controlled anger-responses. However, if we never stop long enough to notice or become mindful of what our anger-triggers are, we will continue reacting to them instead of allowing God's Spirit to help us control our responses to them.  If you and I cannot become self-controlled with the help of the Spirit of God, how can we expect those around us, those who live with us, to do so?   

 

What triggers your anger?

Unfortunately, it is all too often those we love the most, or at least those we spend the most time with, are whose behaviors seem to irritate us the most.  These irritations can easily build up, if they are not dealt with in a timely manner, and turn into a trigger for an outburst of our anger...which most often...is not without sin and its consequences.

However, recognizing our "triggers" which can lead to outbursts of uncontrollable anger give us the chance to "catch them" prior to them snowballing out of control and thus granting us the opportunity to bring them under control. If not recognized, this is when the amygdala sabotages our ability to think rationally and fight, flight and/or freeze becomes our default setting. This is a basic strategy that those in the anger management groups are taught.  This is also a basic strategy of the TBRI training for parents and their adopted/fostered children.  Withdrawing, if at all possible, from this volatile environment that is primed for failure, is the first step in controlling an unwanted anger reaction.  Calming techniques can also be employed to help control the amygdala's natural response to that first twinge of feeling threatened.

This is not something you and I can truly accomplish apart from the Spirit of God.  Being self-controlled is a fruit of the Spirit. 
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.  Galatians 5:22-23.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20

Below are a few great resources for helping us learn more about God's design for anger and for tools in helping us learn how to resolve our uncontrolled anger problems and then help our children do the same, together.

What Does the Bible Say About Anger?
Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids

The National Center for Biblical Parenting

 

So You Want to Adopt a Deaf Child? Part 12 of...

This ongoing blog series, "So You Want to Adopt a Deaf Child?" is written primarily for hearing families contemplating the adoption of a deaf child.  Yes, they will benefit others, as well.  Many of these topics are ones that other families wish they had known prior to proceeding with the adoption of their deaf child.  This is number 12 in the series.
Note:  There are many embedded links in this blog post.  For more details and resources click the underlined words to go to the additional websites for additional information.
 

So there is no doubt, Signs for Hope believes it is the right of every deaf child, around the world, to be given the opportunity to learn a manual language, a visual on the hands and body language, hence the name "Signs" for Hope and to become fluent in that language.  In addition, we also believe in providing whatever tools are necessary to help ensure the best possible outcomes for them to also learn their everyday written and read language.  These two things will not only improve their lives, in ways we may never be able to comprehend fully, it will also give them access to experience God's indescribable love for them.  


IEPs...Individualized Education Programs

 
"No one told me I would have to become a full-time advocate for my adopted deaf child surrounding their educational needs.  Now, I am responsible to educate those educating my adopted deaf child, so he can be granted the best possible educational experience throughout his academic years."

Many classroom experiences for all adopted children are challenging for the child, their parents, their teachers and their child's' classmates. Add deafness to that and little to no access to language-learning prior to the child's adoption and the challenges easily multiply.

If you are contemplating adopting a child with deafness and you know nothing about the educational rights of a child with special needs, and more importantly the rights and needs relating to the child with deafness, please do not proceed with your plans to adopt, until you do.

IEPs, IDEA, ADA, Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, what do they all mean?  How will they impact the life of your deaf child and those who educate them? 

Myth:  "The laws are in place, I can trust my child's teacher and educational support staff to know what is best and provide for the unique needs of my adopted deaf child." 

Sadly, most public school educators are clueless when it comes to knowing how to meet the educational needs of an internationally adopted child, let alone an adopted child with deafness with minimal exposure to language, if any. Deaf schools, often, are as unprepared for the behavior challenges, emotional and social delays, as well as, language delays of the adopted deaf child, just as much as the public school.  Numerous books and articles have been written about such things, for the hearing adopted child, but a teacher is rarely, if ever, confronted with these challenges until they suddenly have a new student assigned to their classroom, for the first time. That could be your recently adopted child...with deafness. 

Keep in mind, in the elementary years, your deaf child will have a new teacher each year.  While you will become more skilled in advocating for the unique needs of your deaf child, as you begin to learn what those needs are, over the years, your child's new teachers each year, rarely do. Starting at the beginning is not an uncommon requirement, each year, for parent advocates.

The goal is for the deaf child to learn how to self-advocate for themselves, but it will take many years of training for that skill to develop appropriately and will remain challenging throughout their years of academia.
Allow me to put aside education for a moment and just focus on language learning.  The paragraph below, taken from the article, entitled "Language and the Older Adopted Child: Understanding Second Language Learning" by Dr. Sharon Glennen, helps us understand the realistic process a hearing child faces when simply learning a new spoken language following his/her international adoption and when no one around them now speaks their first language.  By the way, this is referred to as second language learning, not bi-lingualism, as the child's first language dwindles to nothing very quickly when no one else speaks to them in their first spoken language and their first language is not being used to teach them their second language.  


"Consider these facts: the typical six year-old understands over 20,000 English words. A five-year-old child adopted from another country would need to learn an average of 54 new words every day in order to fully catch up in language comprehension abilities by age six. If the catch up time-frame is stretched out to two years, the adopted five year-old would still need to learn an average of 27 new words every day to fully catch up by age seven. However, while the adopted child has been playing catch-up, his six year-old friends have also added an average of 5,000 words to their vocabulary. By age seven, the typical child understands 25,000 words. In order to fully catch up within a two year window, the adopted five year old needs to learn an average of 34 words per day. In summary, expecting older adopted children to develop proficient English language skills within one or two years of adoption is unrealistic."


In fact, expecting an adopted hearing child, one that is already speaking their native language, to reach the same level as their peers (in their first language development) in five years, given their additional social and emotional delays, caused from their maltreatment/institutionalization in the early years, is also unrealistic. This understanding for hearing adopted children gives us a better idea of how challenging it can be for the adopted deaf child, with little to no language exposure in those crucial early years. Add to the above any additional unknown physical and/or learning disabilities you will not even be aware of until the deaf child is home and the language acquisition and educational challenges can be even greater. 


Of course, there must be language in place in order for education to proceed. Unfortunately, all too often, first language learning and education must occur simultaneously for the deaf adopted child.  There is no research, that even discusses how this impacts the long-term development of the deaf child. I wish there was some way--especially for the older deaf child who has not been exposed to language--to grant them a two year "catch-up" opportunity to begin learning ASL, in the home, in the most natural environment possible, before they are thrust into the formal educational environment.

Navigating the education of a deaf child can easily be compared to
navigating a maze!

 

REST...IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL!

REST! 

This is the path God is leading me down these days.  Before you mistakenly think God has allowed things to happen that have caused me to have to rest, take it easy, slow down, take a breather, be assured my life is very full of His doings now, just as much as the past 6 years and maybe even more than ever. The rest God has been leading me to and what I believe God desires for each of His children to dwell in, experience, internalize, embrace, is His rest...in the midst of it all. 

You know how it is; you hear the same topic preached, taught, and then some how it pops up in your own personal quiet-time through a devotional or scripture or on the radio, repeatedly, over a short period of time.  That’s one of the ways He delights in gaining our attention for either a new revelation from His Word or a reminder of truth He has already revealed to us, previously.  Often, we must be reminded of past-revealed truths, for some reason we simply cannot incorporate them adequately into our daily lives the first time around.

Bible Study Fellowship is studying the Life of Moses this year.  We recently finished Leviticus 25 – 26 where God teaches His people about multiple Sabbath’s.  God, Himself, took a day of “rest” following 6 days of creation, which was the first weekly Sabbath.  As God was about to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land, He established the 1^st year as a yearlong Sabbath for the land.  Imagine, no planting, tending crops or harvesting that first year in the Promised Land.  Would there be enough to eat?  Where would they get their food?  From then on they were to observe a 7^th year Sabbath for the land.  The land was to rest every 7^th year, planting was to begin again in the 8^th year. In the 6^th year, God promised to provide harvest enough that year, for the 7^th year and until the crops were ready to be harvested in the 8^th year.  A double and a half harvest in the 6th year.  That would roughly be two and a half years or 30 months where the Israelites rested and trusted God to provide.  Basically, God made sure the Israelites were given the greatest environment and opportunity to trust Him and His promises to care for them AND to keep their focus on Him AND be thankful for all He had done and was doing for them. They were to rest physically from their labor of planting, tending their crops and harvesting and they were to rest in the fact that God would faithfully provide for their every need of food, while they were resting. So what would they fill their free-time with each day?  Obviously, they would be forced to think on Him, worship Him, each and every day as their entire daily-routine of planting, tending and harvesting ceased during this time. 

Of course, this was a new generation which had spent the last 40 years wandering in the wilderness.  There was no planting, tending or harvesting during those years. God had already been providing for their every need for food and water, how was this any different? I am sure the temptation to plant was there, they wanted more than the manna God had graciously provided. His provision was not enough for the Israelites, they wanted more and bigger variety.  Sadly, this sounds all too familiar.  

 

Can you and I even imagine what this kind of faith and/or rest is really like?  I dare say, only if God allows certain things to happen in our lives that will force us to depend on Him fully.

You and I do realize, the meaning of the word worship is not just singing hymns or songs of praise when we gather corporately to do so?  It is not just praying.  It is not just reciting scriptures or praying corporately together.  It is not just hearing the Word of God proclaimed. It is not just receiving Holy Communion or the Lord's Supper.  While it can be any and all of these, worship is much more.  At the same time while any and all of these are taking place, it can be without one drop of true worship ever taking place.  True worship happens each and every time you and I encounter Yahweh, the GREAT I AM.  It is when we are confronted with His character and His actions and that encounter forces us to pause to consider, to contemplate, to be humbled in His presence. That, brothers and sisters, is worship!  We do not go to church to be in God's presence.  Many people attend church and are never present with God.  God is present in you and in me every moment of every day!  He lives in us!  We LIVE in His presence every moment of everyday!  

To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. (Colossians 1:27)But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of Him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won’t know what we’re talking about. But for you who welcome Him, in whom He dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God’s terms. (Romans 8:8-9, MSG)
The Israelites did not experience that kind of God's presence.  He did not indwell them 24/7.  How much more should you and I be experiencing worship, on a daily basis, since God Himself is LIVING in us?  

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.  Romans 12:1-2

Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. John 4:23

Sunday, the sermon topic…“REST”.  It was shared you and I most often think of rest much different than our God.  We tend to think “rest” is when we cease doing whatever “work” we do, for a time of personal pleasure or vacation.  Yes, I guess that was the partial focus of the weekly Sabbath in the Old Testament, break from work, however, the main purpose was for worship. This 7^th day Sabbath, was set to prod the Israelites into spending time thinking, contemplating, meditating on God, for all He had done and does.  Unfortunately, that eventually became nothing more than a legalistic free-for-all forcing duty without devotion. God’s original design for the Sabbath was to provide the best possible environment to create a mindset of the “worth-ship” of God.   If there is an intentional, conscious effort to keep our thoughts focused on Him, then the end result will always be, WOR(TH)SHIP!

Our worship of God is what ushers us into His-rest...in the midst of it all!

In Hebrews, the writer speaks of God’s “rest” for the believer as if it is an act of faith.  He refers to the rebellious Israelites not entering God’s rest, in the Old Testament, referring to the Promised Land. Their lack of faith prevented them from experiencing the “rest” God promised them.  While I believe “rest” refers to our salvation in some respects and the “rest” we will experience in heaven, I also believe the “rest” God provides is one in which we can live out in our daily lives.  All to often, our lack of faith prevents us from experiencing this promised blessing from God, fully, in the here and now.  Jesus, Himself…is our rest!

While you and I know the right words to say and to pray, I wonder, do our lives scream unbelief to those around us?  Or does it exude His-rest that only He can provide in the midst of our chaos?

While I so desire to enter that final-rest God has promised for those who do His will, I also desire to experience that daily-rest only total surrender to Him grants, in the here and now!   Will you join me?

You will keep the mind that is dependent on You 

in perfect peace, 

for it is trusting in You. 

 Isaiah 26:3

 

"So You Want to Adopt a Deaf Child?' Part 11 of...

This blog-post, 11th in the ongoing series, "So You Want to Adopt a Deaf Child?", is written specifically for those hearing parents who are contemplating the adoption of an older deaf/HOH child who is already using sign language as their mode of communication and for agencies that are "advocating" for their adoption. 

DON'T DO IT !

A heart-wrenching plea with a precious picture or video-link comes across your email or through a group feed.

"AGING OUT"!  SOON IT WILL BE TOO LATE! 

It's a boy or girl, age 12 or 13, and they are deaf/HOH.  They attend a school for the Deaf, which focuses on sign language not oral communication (speaking, lip-reading). 

You know a little bit of sign language because when you were a teenager you learned it at church to sign with a song.  No one else in your family knows any sign language...but they could learn. Your thinking, "Maybe, our family is God's answer for this Deaf child about to "age-out". I have always loved sign language and always wanted to learn it. Maybe this is why God gave me a love for sign language." 

OR

NOT!  

First of all, when adopting an older child, deaf or hearing, you must be realistic about the challenges your entire family will face simply because they are "older".

Before I move on to specifics concerning the adoption of an older deaf/HOH child who is already sign language fluent, allow me to deviate from my topic, for a bit. 

Trauma is no respecter of age.  A 6 month old child, abandoned to institutionalized care for any length of time will have "trauma" to deal with.  The adoption of a "young" child is no guarantee of a "happily-ever-after story".  The trauma-brain (a brain that is impacted by trauma, even in utero/pregnancy) is one that will need the right amount of structure and nurture to overcome the negative affects that trauma has caused on the brains' development.  I'm not talking about the ability of the brain to be educated, however that is also impacted, but I am talking about the inability a trauma-brain child has to think logically and therefore is evidenced in defiant behaviors of many kinds.  Truly, the trauma-brain is the brain that is controlled by...fear. Fight. Flight. Freeze.

Now, allow me to mention some additional challenges that often come with adopting an older child that are often never considered. The most obvious is the physical "size" of the older adopted child. With "older" comes bigger and stronger, physically.  Restraint, becomes more challenging.  Tantrums and meltdowns are bigger and bad-er.  Violence and/or destruction of property is more damaging. The expectations placed on an older child are greater, even though their trauma-brain holds them captive emotionally, socially, and often academically, to half their chronological age and often younger. This means the adopted 8 or 9 year old child will only be functioning emotionally, socially, and with every other behavior at a 4.5 year old age-level or below. 

That is hard to comprehend, especially when they live in a 8 or 9 year old body and that is what is "seen". What cannot be seen is the brain that has been stunted in it's growth, since even before birth. Self-preservation has become "their job" from a very young age, therefore manipulation has become their greatest skill. This is not proof they are simply being defiant, but it is proof their trauma-brains need great care to begin to grow beyond that of manipulation for self-preservation to one of trust and felt-safety. 
In addition, their experience of the world is locked in infancy.  They have no idea what danger, in the outside world, is and do not instinctively know when they are in danger.  They do not know if they run into the street they could be killed by an oncoming car nor do they know fire can burn them.  Unless that was an abuse they endured.  No explanation is adequate for them to comprehend these dangers.  These must be taught, in the same way as they are taught to toddlers.  Sometimes they are learned better by natural consequences. These children have had no one to teach them these things and many have rarely been outside their orphanage or school. This seems to be even more common for deaf children, with limited to no language, as they are often held out of school and events because their behavior is so unpredictable without the ability to communicate basic needs. Imagine trying to force a 8 or 9 year old to hold your hand for safety, when everything in them resists.

Why would anyone, in their right-mind, adopt an older child?  Because God calls them to do so. Yes, much preparation and training is needed in advance, and the resources for doing that are much greater today, than ever before.  God equips those He calls, but commitment to receiving and perseverance for that equipping is vital.

Trust-based Relational Interventions (TBRI) works miracles with children from the "hard places", but simply reading a book, like The Connected Child and trying only a few of these tools, briefly, will not produce lasting impact.  The outcomes parents desire to attain, brought about by a heart change accessed by a brain that feels safe, will require them to be mindful of their own behaviors and why they behave the way they do. Recognizing their own need for a heart change will grant parents the ability to begin to meet the great needs of their child(ren), adopted and biological.  AND it will require a paradigm shift in parents' old way of thinking relating to raising a child, which most often employs behavior modification, a system designed to control behaviors based on rewards and punishments.  However, reaching a child's heart is based on a relationship built on mutual trust in an environment of balanced structure and nurture that produces a heart that desires to behave, not one that is forced. Once parents understand their God given responsibility is to parent their child's heart, not their behaviors, life-changing behaviors can occur for both parents and children. The National Center for Biblical Parenting offers a vast library of resources for families desiring to utilize the relational-approach to parenting, one designed by God.



Back to the topic of this blog-post. 

For the older Deaf child, if you are not already ASL-fluent and immersed in the Deaf community, with an acceptable Deaf school nearby (which also provides a broader base for a larger Deaf community in your area), please do not even consider adopting an older Deaf child who is sign language fluent.  This, almost assuredly, is a recipe for disaster for everyone. 

So, what hope do older Deaf children who are already fluent in sign language have? 

They have you!  Your willingness to advocate for them to grant them the great opportunity to be adopted by a family who is already ASL-fluent and possibly even better...to be adopted by a Deaf dad and mom who can often identify with them far better than a hearing mom and dad ever will. 

I suspect the percentage of deaf children who are adopted by Deaf parents is less than 15%, maybe less than 10%.  Why is that?  While we want to believe we have surpassed the stigma deafness brings with it, many hearing people mistakenly believe the Deaf are ill-equipped to parent a child, adequately.  In addition, many Deaf couples have stories of being rejected by adoption agencies, simply because they are unwilling to devote the extra time and money to provide adequate communication for them for homestudies, meetings and pre-adoption training via ASL. Misunderstandings of the cultural differences between the hearing agency personnel and the Deaf parents, unfortunately, are also reason for rejections, as well.  These stories of rejection, permeate the Deaf Community.  And finally, the cost of adoption for the Deaf population, which is under paid and under-employed has long been an insurmountable obstacle felt by many.  

Will you advocate for qualified Deaf parents to be given the great opportunity to adopt deaf children?

Sign language fluency can come within a few years of daily exposure, for Deaf children immersed in the language. That means an 8 or 9-yr old who has been attending a school for the Deaf, that utilizes sign language--not all of them do--for roughly two years, is quite possibly already fluent or well on their way.  In addition, they have now been exposed to the Deaf community which is vastly different from their indigenous hearing community and certainly from the American hearing community. 

Deeper aspects of the culture of Deaf people will be shared in future posts.

Why is it a deaf child can often become sign language fluent in such a short amount of time, as compared to a hearing person? 

Deaf children who have been waiting for years to be given the opportunity to begin to communicate with those around them, God has wired our brains to crave communication, often become sponges when their world is turned upside down with language...visual language.  Finally, something they can visually understand without the need to hear or speak. 

Us hearing folks...well, we can hear and that supersedes our "need" to communicate via sign language. Ultimately, the "need" for the deaf child to learn sign language, their first language, is far greater than the need for you and me, hearing folks, to learn a 2nd language that does not enter our brains via the ears. Let's face it, you and I respond to noise automatically and instantly, that is natural for us.  For those who live with deafness, they respond automatically and instantly, to what they see, that is natural for them. 

If you or your adoption agency do not know what the Deaf child, you are considering for adoption, is currently receiving at their deaf school, find out.  Deaf schools in China and in Eastern Europe often never use sign language and only focus on teaching the deaf children to speak and read lips.  Other countries are not so focused. For some deaf children who are learning a sign language, some SWI's (Social Welfare Institutions), in China, think it will be better if they tell you the deaf child is learning to speak, when in fact they do use sign language to communicate.  Their thinking...a family will be more likely to adopt them if they can "speak".  It's the age-old myth that if a Deaf child can "speak" then they are not mentally deficient and will be more adoptable. Other times, the Deaf child does use sign language for their mode of communication and that is vitally important to know, to know how to best advocate for them and their needs.

Deaf children cannot speak because they cannot hear the sounds to learn to speak, not because their brains cannot function at a certain level. Albeit, there are those deaf children who do have additional challenges, in addition to their deafness, but deafness, alone, is not an indication of being mentally challenged. Language deprived deaf children, however, will have additional challenges to overcome, mentally, socially, emotionally and academically. Check out Part 5, in this ongoing series, "Why Is The Deaf Child So Far Behind?"

Non ASL-fluent families who do adopt older Deaf children who are already sign language fluent and adoption agencies who allow them to do this are sewing seeds for consequences they will not want the responsibility to bear. Disruption/dissolution is not uncommon and the collateral damage on all involved is great. 

Remember those who are deaf/HOH often cannot learn to speak a spoken language clearly enough, simply because they cannot hear adequately enough for their brain to allow them to learn spoken language accurately.  This is not an option for them.  On the other hand, every hearing person, on this planet, can learn sign language, IF they are willing.  Yes, it takes time and commitment but they CAN learn it.  It IS an option, for them.  It is not a question of are the deaf willing to learn, but one of "can" they learn since they cannot hear adequately?  Some can and do learn to speak fairly plainly, but most cannot, even with hearing aids and/or Cochlear Implants. 

It is not deafness that separates the hearing from the deaf, it is the inability to speak clearly that separates them from us.  We cannot "see" their deafness, but we can "see" abnormal speech and because we are naturally hearing...that "screams" at us. Adequate speech for speaking, for the d/Deaf person, does not mean there is adequate hearing in every situation of life to allow for smooth communication in speech.  
 
If you are told by your adoption agency, or any others for that matter, the Cochlear Implant will easily make your deaf child hearing and "normal" in every way, be wary.  That is just not true.  Do your own research.  The Cochlear Implant is covered more in depth, in Part 6, The Adopted Deaf Child and the Cochlear Implant. 

I hear stories all too often and so do others, of eager hearing families who will "rescue" their Deaf son or daughter from their peril, before it's too late.  Too often, when hearing parents, maybe well prepared for raising a child from the "hard places", but who are clueless about the Deaf culture and know too little sign language, bring their son/daughter home...all hell breaks loose and hearing family members are shell-shocked. "How could this happen?" Or the Deaf child withdraws, which in the end can be even worse than those who are openly violent.

This is not just because this is an older child adoption, while that will certainly be a significant part of it, add to that the Deaf child's frustration with the inability to communicate in the same mode of communication as they have known and loved...a manual (on the hands and body) language, not dependent on the ability to hear.    

There are those who recommend the use of "translation technology" when adopting children who are post-lingual (those who have already learned spoken language) from another culture where English is not used, especially in those first crucial weeks. This is used as a "bridge" for a short time, to help the transition be a little less stressful for the adopted child. Be aware this technology is far from perfect and many misunderstandings are experienced.


Translation technology has also been used to facilitate communication between hearing parents who do not know sign and their deaf children who do know some written Mandarin or other written language.  Deaf children who are fluent in sign are often taught to read and write in Mandarin, as well.  While there are benefits to this kind of communication in the first few weeks and maybe months, relying on this for prolonged time is not recommended. This in no way will provide a strong foundation between hearing family members and their deaf son/daughter.  We all know how technology has restricted and negatively impacted the next generation in their ability to develop strong social relationships with one another.  One can only imagine how limiting this mode of unnatural communication will negatively impact a recently adopted sign language fluent Deaf child if it is allowed to continue beyond a few weeks or maybe a few months.  I do not believe you and I can begin to imagine the disappointment and frustration an adopted Deaf child, fluent in sign, would experience when their adoptive hearing parents and family members are unwilling to learn to communicate with them face-to-face directly in sign.
 
The adoption of an older child, brings with it more than enough trauma for a lifetime.  Add to that the inability to identify and bond with parents through a shared language utilizing the same mode of communication...either spoken language for hearing children or manual language for Deaf children. That has been labeled by some, as...child abuse.


Then, there is another deeper issue to be addressed here, as well.  That is one of culture. Once deaf children have learned a signed language, they will naturally be drawn to those who can communicate with them easily and can identify with them deeply...those just like them.  This is often hard for hearing family members to understand and to accept, especially when they themselves have not become fluent in ASL.  Many hearing family members will live in denial of this fact and when reality sets in are heart broken by their Deaf children's allegiance to and desire to spend most of their time with those who "know" them best.  As stated above, future posts will share more details surrounding the Deaf culture, which is vastly different from the counter, hearing culture. 



Another thing to keep in mind.  If you are not already ASL-fluent when you bring your deaf son or daughter home, be aware it will take as long as 6 years, maybe longer, for you to become fluent. And that requires spending much time devoted to doing so on a weekly basis and not just from a book or classroom, but interacting WITH the Deaf community, regularly.  My definition of ASL-fluent...you are comfortable carrying on an in-depth conversation with every native Deaf signer you encounter, one-on-one.  For me, that was about 6 years and this included constant classroom participation with Deaf teachers and multiple days a week interacting with the Deaf in my community.

One thing to keep in mind, IF you adopt a 12 or 13 year old they turn 18 in just 5 or 6 short years. 


To gain a better  perspective, try to envision what it might be like for a hearing child, age 5 - 6 yrs. old or older, already fluent in his/her native spoken language, to be adopted by an all Deaf and fully signing family, with extended family members who are also Deaf and sign, and from another country/culture.  This hearing child, fluent in spoken language, would have little to no exposure to those who speak a language.  Wait a minute!  Would an all Deaf family be granted the ability to even adopt a hearing child who is fluent in spoken language?  Some would say...that's child abuse. 

 
While this is not a perfect comparison it does help us gain perspective.  The great advantage of a signed language, as opposed to spoken, is it's visual qualities that can lend itself to providing comprehension/communication without a single spoken word.

This video shows how the lives of deaf children can look when they are impacted by sign language at an early age.  Sadly, most deaf children, here in America, and around the world never receive this kind of vital input, as less than 10% of hearing parents ever learn to sign with them.

"So You Want to Adopt a Deaf Child?" Part 10 of...

Educating the Deaf Child - "Homeschooling"
Part 10 of the ongoing series, "So You Want to Adopt a Deaf Child?"
This blogpost is shared by Elizabeth Albers.

We were told our son was profoundly deaf but that he wore hearing aids and could hear and talk. Hoping that he could hear with hearing aids we learned little sign language before we brought him home. Other than that we had no experience with ASL or deafness. We brought our little boy (5 years old) home July 2014. After spending just a few hours with him we knew that his hearing aids weren't helping him at all. We immediately started taking on-line ASL courses (while we were still in China) and looking up any and every word we could on-line. Since bringing him home we've continued to learn ASL.  He did get new hearing aids and they do bring him into a moderate to severe range which brings him some hearing and speech. 

We have chosen to homeschool our son for many reasons. One being that we homeschool our 4 other children. Homeschooling a deaf child has been challenging, but we know that God prepared us for this little boy. While we haven't had much experience with deafness we have had many years of experience with homeschooling. We take it one day at a time and we introduce things as we feel he is ready. He's been home 6 months and he is thriving at the level of a K-1st grader. One of the hardest things about educating a deaf child at home is that it is somewhat new territory. There isn't a lot of curriculum or resources for homeschooling deaf children. We have to sort of figure out things as we go. We are part of an on-line community of homeschool deaf/HOH families. They have been invaluable to us. Always offering support, ideas and suggestions. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming being the only one in our community who is homeschooling a deaf child, and these on-line families help us to know we are not the only ones trying to do this.  

We also utilize our public school for some extra services. After months and months of meetings and insisting that our son work with a Deaf Teacher, the school board has allowed my son and I to join in on a class a couple hours a week with a Deaf Teacher and one other little deaf boy. This has been an amazing opportunity for our son and it's so great to see him interacting with the other little boy. We also utilize speech therapy through the school system and have just started on-line AVT (Auditory Verbal Therapy) through CASTLE, UNC. It took a long 6 months to get services in place, but the fight was worth it. 

We've also tried to help others in our community learn more about deafness and ASL by starting an ASL club. Note: Not to be confused with the original Deaf Clubs created within the Deaf Community. This has not been an easy task. It's hard trying to get people involved, but we are determined. We've also visited a deaf church (about 1.25 hours away) to get to know more people and learn more about how deaf people interact. We hope to attend more deaf events, but again this is difficult because there is no real deaf community. But we keep going and trying and doing our best with what we have. We have a desire to give our son the best of both worlds.

Overall we have had a great experience educating our son. Some days it felt like we were the only ones homeschooling a deaf child, wondering if we were doing the right thing, but now that we are six months into this journey we feel so much more confident in our choices and our ability to teach our son.

"So You Want to Adopt A Deaf Child?" Part 9 of...

 "Educating the Deaf Child"  

Part 9 of...in the series "So You Want to Adopt a Deaf Child?"

The next several posts will be covering the education of deaf children. Remember the purpose of these blogposts are to help families understand the many unique challenges they will face if they proceed with the adoption of a deaf child.

I have asked families who have up-close-and-personal experience to share them with you. Parental involvement and attitude is paramount in the education of the deaf child.

This topic will be one that will be open ended, as the research for educating deaf children is ongoing. There are many differing opinions as to what is "best" for educating a deaf child. Each deaf child is unique in ways that will impact their learning. Especially when adding institutionalized care to the equation.  In addition, these differing opinions have impacted the classrooms of deaf children at the deaf school, as well as, in the public school arena. 

Families adopting deaf children need to be aware the education of your deaf child(ren) will be challenging and frustrating in many ways, no matter the choice you might make, the deaf school, the public school setting or via homeschooling or a combination of any or all.

You must also realize it is possible the brain of a deaf child that has been deprived of learning language from birth could have great impact on optimum learning capabilities.  Add to that the trauma the brain has experienced from neglect and lack of nurture during those early years. Having a realistic understanding of the possible educational challenges facing a deaf child with no language from birth and a trauma-brain is vitally important for those families desiring to adopt them. 

Do not misunderstand me! 

I am not saying all adopted deaf children will be limited in their learning capabilities or they will be low-functioning.  I am saying parents must be realistic and understand what possible challenges they could face when adopting a deaf child, especially educational-wise. 

Do not expect your local educators to know how to appropriately deal with and educate the adopted deaf child, either.  If you are not willing to become a full-time advocate for your deaf child's education, be it in a formal setting or in your home, you must genuinely reconsider deaf adoption.  You will also teach your deaf child how to self-advocate for their future.

In addition, you will not know what really goes on in a school or a classroom until you have observed it with your own eyes and on multiple occasions.  DO NOT ASSUME just because something bears a name or title, ASL, Bi-lingual/Bi-cultural, etc., it truly represents that name or title.  Check it out for yourself!  Often what is promoted or advertised is NOT what is actually taking place. 

When Marc Marschark's book "How Deaf Children Learn:  What Parents and Teachers Need to Know" was published late in 2011, I breathed a sigh of relief to see much of what my research had uncovered through the years was now shared under one title. This is a "must read"!

A JESUS-PARASITE !?!

Update, January 19, 2015:

I have been hives-free for 9 days and the muscle pain in my arms is diminishing...PRAISE GOD!  Thanks so much for your prayers! Please do not stop.

Note:  After 6 months of chronic hives in 2014, April to November, Charles and I decided I should visit an allergist.  You must realize these hives were not a constant concern or bother.  Yes, they were almost a daily occurrence, but only once in a while did they truly affect my daily life.  In October, the allergist told us how very few people with chronic hives ever know why.  After hearing my travel history of foreign travel, he also mentioned chronic hives could be a sign of parasites.  No, I had no other symptoms other than the hives, until mid-fall when I noticed chronic muscle pain in both arms. I thought it was from overuse lifting suitcases in and out of car trunks and overhead bins on planes. As it turns out that, too, could be indicative of parasites.  However, he was not convinced.

"Parasites are microorganisms that live off of other organisms, or hosts, to survive. Some parasites don’t affect the host. Others grow, reproduce, or give off toxins that make the host sick resulting in a parasitic infection" (Healthline.com).
 

There is always a bigger picture than you and I anticipate surrounding every thing God allows in our lives.  I have not obsessed over having parasites, but I must admit talking to others about it has been a bit uncomfortable, concerned the other person will think it is much worse/gross than I do.  As usual, God just will not allow my mind to dwell there for very long.  There are few I have discussed this with and most are in the medical field in some capacity themselves.  Charles deals with parasites on a daily basis in caring for animals, so our perspective is probably not necessarily the same as others.

By the way, it was not easy to convince our family doctor and then the infectious disease doctor to follow through with all the testing for various parasites, "They are just so rare".

This morning, I have just taken the first round of medication (3 large caplets) to rid my body of Schistosomiasis, tape worms.  I will do that again, later today.  No, they have not found them in my urine or my stools, but via a blood test, only, created specifically for diagnosing them.  I chose today, for the first round of treatment, as the information surrounding the drug states "do not drive the day of treatment and do not drive the day after, as it could impair thinking and/or judgement".  Since I am now interpreting everyday and in the medical setting, no less, the weekend is the only reasonable time for me to do this.  Charles went to our family doctor on Wednesday for his annual physical and told him of my diagnosis.  He said, "Well, that's a first for me!" He did tell Charles it was very possible the symptoms I have been having, the hives and possibly the muscle pain, could be much worse during the treatment.  So, I have doubled my daily dose of Zyrtec to anticipate at least the hives being worse.  I repeat this treatment, one-day 2-dose, 2 - 4 weeks from now.  

Fresh Water Snail

"Schistosomiasis, also known as bilharzia or “snail fever”, is a parasitic disease carried by fresh water snails infected with one of the five varieties of the parasite Schistosoma. Found predominantly in tropical and sub-tropical climates, Schistosomiasis infects 240 million people in as many as 78 countries, with a vast majority of the burden occurring in Africa. Schistosomiasis ranks second only to malaria as the most common parasitic disease." (www.globalnetwork.org)

My symptoms are not typical, gastro and/or urinary tract related, so there really is no information out there for muscle infestation, other than to say they can take up residence there "in rare cases".  By the way, since the physical therapy sessions before Christmas, for my chronic muscle pain in my arms and hip, has not resulted in improvement, Charles and I now believe it is quite possible the parasites are causing the muscle problems, as well.  This week, was the fist time I noticed the muscle pain flares as I interpret, but prior to this week I had not noticed any pain during interpreting. 

Schistosomiasis Distribution - Snail Fever

As I reread the definition of a parasite, the thought occurred to me that it could be a very good thing for you and me to be considered a "parasite" of the Word of God. Just suppose you and I were "parasites" of His Word.  We would be the ones reaping the great benefits of "living off" His Word (written and living), receiving daily sustenance, food and water, and thriving. Truly living the "abundant life" God has promised us, right here on this earth. Actually, as we study the scriptures it is fascinating to see some of the wording God uses that seems to relate.

Jeremiah, God's prophet proclaimed, "When Your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, LORD God Almighty."  When God called Ezekiel as His prophet this is what He said, "And He said to me, “Son of man, eat what is before you, eat this scroll; then go and speak to the people of Israel.” So I opened my mouth, and He gave me the scroll to eat. Then He said to me, “Son of man, eat this scroll I am giving you and fill your stomach with it.” So I ate it, and it tasted as sweet as honey in my mouth. He then said to me: “Son of man, go now to the people of Israel and speak My words to them."  

Then in John chapter 7, "On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to Me and drink. Whoever believes in Me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” By this He meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified." And to the Samaritan woman at the well, "Whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”  

Then in John 6, Jesus to the Jews, "Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. For My flesh is real food and My blood is real drink. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood remains in Me, and I in them.  Just as the living Father sent Me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on Me will live because of Me. This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on This bread will live forever.” This particular statement is when many of Jesus' disciples/followers turned away and no longer followed Him. 

And in closing, at the Last Supper, "While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when He had given thanks, He broke it and gave it to His disciples, saying, “Take and eat; this is My body.” Then he took a cup, and when He had given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. This is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.  I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in My Father’s kingdom.”

If this is one way I can better identify with His precious deaf children living with parasites every day, with no means of diagnosis or medicine to rid their bodies of them, I pray I do not miss all He desires for me to learn in and through this experience.

Parasites of the Word of God!   Let's commit to "eat and drink" more of Jesus in 2015, than ever before.  Fascinating...isn't it?!?!